You Will Want to Marry My Turkey

For years, I’ve had great luck with my turkey. It’s usually very moist and tender and smells like the waiting room to heaven. I just have a couple of tricks and they’re all very easy but let’s begin with a little story.

Many, many, many years ago, when God was a boy, I invited my parents to MY house for Thanksgiving. This was a big deal because it was a first. I wanted it to be so special—full of some favorite and new dishes but more than anything, I just wanted people to go on and on about how fantastic the meal was and what a great cook I was.

I was in my 20’s. And it was all about me. Me and that damn turkey. So, I had toiled. I had set a table with my nicest mismatched flatware and dishes and tried to make like a big girl. Everyone was sitting around my cramped table, my 2 brothers, mom and dad as I laid the feast before them. One dish after another until I brought out the turkey unsliced to the table thinking we’d have a real Norman Rockwell carving moment (overrated) for all to ahh and ooh over.

My mom said, “Honey, your turkey’s upside down.”

“Oh, Mom, ha ha. Upside down. Right.”

My mom stared at me a bit and understood suddenly why I thought math was hard.

And that’s when I realized a turkey had a front and a back. I had never thought about it until that moment.

“Huh.”

“Yea.”

“Oh!”

“Right. Curved side up, honey.”

I looked at my Mom with the sad realization that all of my hard work was quickly being undone by my turkey…laying on its back…its little wings pointing to heaven—possibly giving thanks for its preternaturally golden belly.

“You know, we can just flip it over. It’s going to be just fine.” My mom was reading my face as I realized that there were no do-overs with turkey.

We flipped over the beautifully golden, yet concave, bird to reveal a slightly pasty, albino, barrel chested version of what had been.

“oh…”

“You know, that breast will be so juicy because you cooked it upside down.”

Because of my mad skills. As if I’d planned it. Turkey innovation. I imagine I pouted.

That is the first time I cooked a turkey and the last time I cooked it upside down.

INDELIBLE.

Here’s what I do to make it delish turkey these days.

First, I get what is on sale. I want to be honest. I should free range. I should probably fresh versus frozen. I should probably just have tofu but I derive great satisfaction from a 22 pound turkey that is $6.00 just because I spent $50 at the grocery store.

Let me have my little joys.

Tools

Big Roasting Pan
Reynold’s Oven Bags (turkey size)—trust me
Rolling Pin—didn’t see that one coming, did you?
Kitchen Twine

Ingredients for Turkey Poultice

1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, softened
3/4 cup pure maple syrup
4 tablespoons dried marjoram
1/4 cup whole coriander seeds, coarsely cracked in Ziploc bag
1 tablespoon grated lemon peel
2 teaspoon black pepper

Inside the Cavity (in this order will make it simpler)

1 small handful sea salt
1 lemon quartered
½ red apple, quartered
1 stalk celery, in thirds
1 onion quartered
6 sprigs fresh thyme

I make a giant turkey because I like leftovers so if you use a smaller than 22 pound turkey, just reduce the amount of vegetables and salt that you put in the cavity, but not the turkey poultice. Keep those proportions as is even if you make a Tiny Tim turkey.

Turkey Poultice

First, put the whole coriander seed in a Ziploc bag, making sure that you get all the air out of the bag and that it is well sealed. Roll over the contents with your rolling pin several times. Turn the bag over and roll that side as well. You won’t have dust but if you bit into one of these coriander seeds in this state, it wouldn’t be alarming. Set aside.

In a small bowl mix the butter, maple syrup, marjoram, lemon peel, pepper together. Add coriander seeds and combine well.

Rinse your turkey inside and out. Pat dry with paper towels.

NOTE: I find it easiest to work with the turkey on a cutting board at this point and transfer it to the roasting pan after I’ve rubbed it down, stuffed it mercilessly and put it in an oven bag.

Tease the skin away from the carcass starting near the tail and then again at the neck area. Grab handfuls of the turkey poultice and massage it under the skin. Use ¾ of the mixture under the skin. It’s also good to rub the poultice under the skin at the drumsticks. Do focus the majority of the poultice on the back of the bird as it will melt
d-o-w-n during the hours of cooking. DO NOT SALT THE SKIN.

Take the remaining butter mixture and massage it on the outside of the bird—love those wings and drumsticks as well as the back and breasts.

The Cavity

Let’s stuff the cavity. First, take your small handful of sea salt and massage it around the inside of the cavity. Now, just cram everything else inside. This is not the delicate part so why pretend. Make sure the whole lemon (quartered) gets inside the bird. This is such a lovely flavor with the turkey.

Bind and gag your turkey with the twine at the drumsticks.

Follow the directions on the Reynold’s Oven Bag and prepare it for the bird. Place the bird in the bag. Remember to make several cuts in the bag for venting and to tent the bag as much as possible so that it doesn’t cook to the skin.

Place the bird in the bag in the roasting pan.

Cooking

The thermometer thing in the turkey? Well, not so much. Just take it out before preparation. I like this little, no math in my head chart that Butterball has put together: Butterball’s Cooking Calculator. It’s a great way to get an accurate time for cooking your turkey, regardless of the weight.

I do want to point out a huge flaw on this site. They say a 12 pound turkey will feed 5 adults. Yes, but for how long?! Sandwiches, bitches, sandwiches.

You are free to take the bird out of the oven after :

After taking the turkey out of the oven, let it rest at least 20 minutes while you run around like a crazy person finishing up the side dishes.

Have a glass of wine. You are going to love this turkey.